Teaching courtesy and respect to your family

From the POWerful Character Series
(c) 2005 POWerful Words Character Development

Dear Dr. Robyn,

My children show no common courtesy for me at all. They talk back, yell, and refuse to listen. I get very frustrated and find myself yelling back over their yells. It is just not working. What should I do?

-- Paula M., Scituate, MA

Dear Paula,

Many parents find themselves in a similar predicament. You are certainly not alone. However, there are some ways to encourage a more courteous atmosphere within your family.

(1) Model courtesy: When we demonstrate the way we would like our children to behave, they are likely to imitate you. After all, you are their role model. If you say “please” and “thank-you” they will likely do the same. If you listen and speak calmly to your children, they will likely provide the same courtesy. Of course, if you yell at your children, order them around, or embarrass them in front of their friends, guess what? They will likely do the same. Monkey see, monkey do.

(2) Praise it: It always frustrates me when parents tell me “I don’t say anything to her when she is behaving well because I am afraid she’ll stop!” Values are not taught by letting “sleeping dogs lie.” When your child is exhibiting courteous behavior, let them know you appreciate it! Comment and compliment and allow them to see that you notice when they are doing something considerate. They love your attention—might as well be for making good choices so that they do not have to seek it for making poor choices!

(3) Point it out: When you see another child showing courteous behavior, point it out so your children can see it in action! We can all be more helpful in this area. Children can often be overlooked when they make courteous gestures because adults may feel that they are entitled or to busy to stop. When we take time to point out respectful and considerate behavior, we reinforce the action.

(4) Curb it: When you find yourself getting angry or upset, take a break! Take a few breaths and count to ten. You know that the best way to get your point across is to talk calmly. Yelling only makes your voice louder not better understood.

(5) Ask for it: Let your children know your expectations and how you expect each family member to act towards one another. Ask them for their input and how they think each member can be more courteous to one another. Use this month’s word of the month as a springboard for discussion and together decide that your family is one that is respectful and considerate of one another.

(6) Don’t tease or make offensive jokes: You may be joking but your child does not know that! Developmentally, your child thinks more concretely than you do. School-age children take many of your words literally. Ethnic or gender-based jokes can lead your child to assume that it is okay to be rude to others. Along those same lines, one of my husband’s work colleagues used to tell her children that if they acted poorly, she would “drop them off with a bad stranger.” This is not courteous and in actuality, it breaches trust and induces fear.

Good luck!

Dr. Robyn

Need more tips? Go to http://www.powerfulfamily.com

* Note: Anyone wishing to reproduce this article must include the following website and information and abide by the copyright laws: http://www.powerfulfamily.com by Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman